the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
