anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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