At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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