Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
