the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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