I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
