I'm lost and stupid without you.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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