Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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