You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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