I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize