I wish my penis had an off switch
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
