Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
