Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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