Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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