The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
