Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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