Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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