i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
