Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
