Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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