I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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