I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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