I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
