fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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