I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
