The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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