i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
