nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
