Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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