you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
