i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
