That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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