I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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