The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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