It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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