There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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