What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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