At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
the condom got lost in my hair
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Life is so much better after having sex.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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