You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
