i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We named our party play list daddy issues
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
