I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
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