I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
