if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
