My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
