I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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