The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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