you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
