also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize