Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
