You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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