life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
