Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
