A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
So here I am, sexting at work.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
