we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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