White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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