i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
