I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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