Betty ford says i'm here all night
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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