I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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