Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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