Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
