There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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