Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
